The Filthiest Clean

I’m not sure I should be telling you this, what with world strife, hunger, and a potential nuclear war on the horizon, but there’s a company that wants to ejaculate on your face.


The hilariously named CMen company boasts of “semen face cream packs” (they also claim to be “discreetly packaged” which cracks me up on at least two levels.)

The clean and washed semen comes


How do you “wash” semen? I’m a girl, I don’t know the mysterious ways of the semen. I only have access the equipment on a very limited basis, so maybe you have to wash it like hair or teeth, I don’t know, I’m just asking questions. Do you have to dry it too?

in a small plastic packet which has been frozen and tested for all STI’s and HIV. The test document will be included. You will also receive a set of surgical gloves if you would like to use them.


Okay, I’m trying to picture this… and it’s not …. it’s actually nauseating. Why would anyone do this?? I assume there is some belief that the jizz is good for the skin but if that is so – and it was proven – wouldn’t women be demanding semen from their own men before they ask the CMen company for some help?

The product is for EXTERNAL USE ONLY.

“Mom, where did I come from?”
“Well, honey, I wanted beautiful, luminous skin, so I bought a semen face pack and didn’t read the directions.”

The company also sells breast milk packs which actually infuriates me. The jizz pack is kind of funny in a gross way, but breast milk is to feed infants, and there is a huge breast milk shortage in the world, particularly in Africa where AIDS is still rampant. Using breast milk for this crazy non-proven (not even really though of) gimmick is so wasteful, such an insult. It’s a limited resource. Unlike jizz.

Anyway, all this craziness is apparently catching on because another company is also selling the miracle jizz. Nothing better than competitive jizzing, I suppose.

(Anonymous points out that if companies can decrease the taboo of, well, wearing jizz on your face, and increase a demand for it for beauty products, which with effective marketing should not be terribly difficult given the intelligence of most of the population, the next step will be to promote it in energy drinks. And women will never hear the end of it.

“You drink Jizz Cola but you won’t even…”

“Yeah, well Jizz Cola also has electrolytes.”)

About these ads


  1. I think I’m going to start my own company. Only to improve on the business model, I will offer directly delivery to my female clients.

  2. Bloke From Virginia says:

    The idea of such a product was a story line on “Nip/Tuck.” Surely that’s much less offensive than the show’s plot involving injecting collagen into a toddler’s lips to enhance her modeling prospects.

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