Christmas At The Blogs

It is Christmastime once again, which means it is time for my yearly Metaphorical Gifting.

For Tracey, I give a church that will make you feel as at home as your own living room, and a life-sized stuffed zombie doll. Correction: an awesome life-size stuffed zombie doll.

For Sheila I give a trip to Iran and all the twelve Soviet republics: Armenia, Azerbaijan, Belarus, Georgia, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Moldova, Russia, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, Ukraine and Uzbekistan. Also: a handsome, friendly stranger who speaks English to act as a tour guide.

For Jessicarrot, I give eternal health, and an entire Michael’s craft store because you and your kids can rock a crafts store.

For John Hawkins, I give an hour in a locked room with Nancy Pelosi.

For Rude1, I give my thanks and friendship and a healthy new horse who is NOT A PASTURE ORNAMENT.

For David Foster, I give an entire library. You already know so much about so much that I think it would be nice to give you easy access to all the documentation you could ask for.

For DBW, I give a dashing Sherlock Holmes style hat. You would look awesome in a Sherlock Holmes hat. I forbid you to try to wear it with irony.

For Observer2000, I give my eternal thanks and a high five for your astute observations about the Enron case.

For John Smith, I give my eternal gratitude and admiration.

For Evan, my heart. Also: Boobs.


I’m a dork. I’ve forgotten some people. For Patriot Xeno, I give the biggest, baddest collection of robots and other hardware that anyone has ever seen in the whole wide world. He doesn’t really need it — he’s kicking ass and taking names without the help of a robot army, but I bet he thinks it would look pretty cool. Also: peace on earth.

For Preston Taylor Holmes, a nice basket of muffins, and two hours of time with President Obama, with a polygraph machine, live cameras, and four Hooters girls.

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  1. No better gift in the world Cara; I’m humbled and honored. I give you inner peace and happiness.

    I don’t suppose Evan would consider trading the horse for the boobs?

    Naw, I didn’t think so! ;)

  2. Thank you! I love my gift!!

    And I give to you:
    1. A lifetime supply of cupcakes
    2. Jeff Skilling’s prison-release party
    3. Books with really excellent sex scenes
    4. An all-access trip to the Lilly Library

  3. Why, thank you, Cara.

  4. Cara Ellison says:

    Yall are quite welcome.

    Sheila, those are the best presents *ever*. Thank you.

    I wish us all a merry Christmas, though I’m already incredibly weepy and sad. If I was the drinking type, now I would be drinking. I am the cupcake type, so maybe I’ll cupcake my way out of the Christmas blues.

    I fucking hate Christmas. Merry Christmas!

  5. Awesome presents, thank you, Cara!

    Braaaaainsss ……

  6. Cara Ellison says:


    That’s my new default answer for anything. Love it!

  7. Can I get at least one of those boobs? Or perhaps a nice basket of muffins?

  8. well…this is awkward…

  9. Merry Christmas, Cara. Unfortunately, I am unable to wear anything without at least a touch of irony, but I will do my best with my new hat.

    For you, I give the wise peace of an elderly person, but I’m giving it to you while you are still young, and quite spectacular. May it serve you well.

    Thank you for my hat, and your general generosity. Making your acquaintance has been a tiny gift that offers its benefits every day.

  10. Cara Ellison says:

    DBW, my admonishment was a fool’s wish anyway – you are far too ironic to pass up the chance to wear a Sherlock cap without irony.

    Thank you for your kind gift; I surely need it! I am touched that you think of my wee blog as a daily gift. I wish I could express just how much your friendship has meant to me. I’m just very pleased that my blog has attracted such an eclectic, smart group of people.

    Merry Christmas!

  11. Me, me, me, me! I feel like Prez Zero when I talk like that! Merry Christmas, gorgeous.

  12. that’s exactly how it appears on my list!

  13. ilovecress says:

    Happy (belated) Christmas all – good to e-see you again!

    Cara – I give you a perfect English accent you can use around the house, or when talking to customer services. Also : Jenga.

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