It is Christmastime once again, which means it is time for my yearly Metaphorical Gifting.
For Tracey, I give a church that will make you feel as at home as your own living room, and a life-sized stuffed zombie doll. Correction: an awesome life-size stuffed zombie doll.
For Sheila I give a trip to Iran and all the twelve Soviet republics: Armenia, Azerbaijan, Belarus, Georgia, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Moldova, Russia, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, Ukraine and Uzbekistan. Also: a handsome, friendly stranger who speaks English to act as a tour guide.
For Jessicarrot, I give eternal health, and an entire Michael’s craft store because you and your kids can rock a crafts store.
For John Hawkins, I give an hour in a locked room with Nancy Pelosi.
For Rude1, I give my thanks and friendship and a healthy new horse who is NOT A PASTURE ORNAMENT.
For David Foster, I give an entire library. You already know so much about so much that I think it would be nice to give you easy access to all the documentation you could ask for.
For DBW, I give a dashing Sherlock Holmes style hat. You would look awesome in a Sherlock Holmes hat. I forbid you to try to wear it with irony.
For Observer2000, I give my eternal thanks and a high five for your astute observations about the Enron case.
For John Smith, I give my eternal gratitude and admiration.
For Evan, my heart. Also: Boobs.
I’m a dork. I’ve forgotten some people. For Patriot Xeno, I give the biggest, baddest collection of robots and other hardware that anyone has ever seen in the whole wide world. He doesn’t really need it — he’s kicking ass and taking names without the help of a robot army, but I bet he thinks it would look pretty cool. Also: peace on earth.
For Preston Taylor Holmes, a nice basket of muffins, and two hours of time with President Obama, with a polygraph machine, live cameras, and four Hooters girls.