The Most Anti-Man Post Ever

Dear Readers:

If you are a man, please do not finish reading this post. This is not reverse psychology. I’m not telling you not to read it only because I want you to. I’m telling you not to because it’s in your best interest. This post concerns things men shouldn’t worry their pretty little heads about. So you just scroll right on by this one, or visit my dear friend Nicki or Sheila or Tracey because I am sure they would not post something as batshit insane as I am about to post right now.

Men, if you’re still here, this is on you. I’m completely disclaimed.

The other day I was in the store and needed some pantyliners. These were onsale so I figured I’d give them a try:

So today I opened one, and I was quite alarmed. They look rather… large.

In fact, they’re so big that it was rather amusing. I grabbed a bottle of Perrier to compare the size:


But are they bigger than a bottle of Evian?

Just about.

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  1. That would come up to my belly button. Like: what the heck are YOU doing up over my belly button, for God’s sake? Some day I will find the PERFECT pantyliner design. I’ve been doing this a long long time, and I haven’t found one yet!

  2. Cara Ellison says:

    I know! This is ridiculous. Who are these designed for? I tried the Carefree ones and they’re okay. They smell cloyingly of baby powder though so I was trying to find something better.

    And encountered the Amazon Pad. Yech!

  3. There’s a French brand that I found at my Pathmark that I like. But I can’t remember the name. They have an orange wrapping. I kind of go with them, although they still are not perfect.

  4. The image of you setting up your little demonstration with the Perrier and Evian is so NUTTY that I am trying (unsuccessfully) to block it out.

  5. Cara Ellison says:

    LOL! I know. You’re thinking in 20 years I will be all alone in a little house with a thousand cats, and the neighbors will whisper, “She’s not well. She once set up a comparison test between Perrier, Evian and a pad,” and everyone will nod knowingly.

  6. Right. “Oh yes, I remember when she was doing that. That was a bad time for her.” hahahaha

  7. Cara Ellison says:

    Hhahahahaahah! I am literally cackling at the thought.

    The sad thing? I’m actually in a pretty good place right now. Life is as normal and calm as it’s ever been. So I can’t even use an excuse like “I”m having a nervous breakdown. Don’t judge me!” I’m not. I’m actually just amused that someone – a man, no doubt – thought that pad was production ready. He looked at it, tried to imagine if it would be big on his wife, shrugged and said, “Make four billion of them.”

  8. I did not heed the warning. Next time, I will.

  9. Cara Ellison says:

    I wrote that disclaimer with love in my heart.

  10. No, it’s your scientific mindset. “Damn, this panty liner looks huge. Let me find something to compare it to …”

  11. Cara Ellison says:

    Ah yes, the Engineer geekiness showing itself. : )

  12. I think they make them for fat trailer chicks!

  13. Cara Ellison says:

    That would explain it. But wow, you’d have to be really, really, really fat to accommodate these monsters!

  14. Hahahahahahahahahaha!! You are insane!!

    Okay. Now pour the Perrier INTO the pad and see if it holds the liquid. Oh, but first color it blue THEN pour it — you know, for the verisimilitude of it.

    Then let’s see if we have something to tell Consumer Reports.

  15. I think it’s so huge because they’re “overnighters.” So if you flail about, Stayfree has you covered. Or it could just as easily end up wedged in your ass.

    But at least it has “Thermocontrol ™.”

    What IS Thermocontrol™???

    I don’t want anything with the word Thermo near my fancy place. I’m frightened.

  16. Cara Ellison says:

    I know! Sean sent me a note saying, “BTW, what is thermo-control?” I told him I couldn’t help him, I dunno. It sounds like there will be big metal fans and HVAC tubes and a thermometer somewhere. It’s just a little discomfiting.

    So I got some nice normal-sized products.

  17. Well, clearly, based on the graphic on the package, there IS a fan involved. I mean, if there’s not, it’s very misleading.

    I have so many questions. Does this Thermocontrol fan run on batteries? How big? How many? Just how lumpen will my fancy place become wearing a Perrier-sized pad powered by a fan that just might run on 6 D batteries? And I see it doesn’t say “batteries included,” does it?

    Or is this pad powered by a plug-in fan? How many extension cords will I need if I want to stay Thermocontrolled AND go to the store?? If someone trips over my cord, can I be sued?

    So many questions, Stayfree. So many questions.

  18. Also — while I continue to prattle on to myself here — I’m a bit frightened to see my experience with the Perrier pad would involve not just a Thermocontrolled fan, but raindrops, butterflies, and the moon and stars.

    It’s not so much protection as an acid trip in my pants.

  19. Cara Ellison says:

    LOL! You’re cracking me up. Acid trip, hahahahah!

    I had a bizarre Steampunk type image of the sounds of fans blowing and guys thinking, “Oh, I should probably stay away from her for the next four days. You can hear the thermo control.. You know what that means…”

  20. I wish stores sold those pads they give you in the hospital post-partum, the ones that you have to bend to break the capsule, then they turn into a sort of mini-ice pack? Talk about “dry, cool, and comfortable.” I love those things, I would wear them all summer even when I’m NOT on my period.

  21. Ultra-thin? Who are they kidding?

  22. Cara Ellison says:

    Lisa – hahahahah! I flashed to that quote from Marilyn Monroe in Seven Year Itch when she says she keeps her undies in the freezer.

    Nightfly, they’re actually pretty thin… but they’re GINORMOUS. They’re made for women who have about a foot of space down there.

  23. OK. Telling me not to read this meant I HAD to read it. I think ”Thermo-controlled” means they “breathe.” They remind me of Obama’s support–very wide, but as thin as air–plus some other things I can’t bring myself to mention. I used that analogy only because it amuses me. One last thing–I don’t want to meet the women who actually needs one that big.

  24. women/woman–who’s counting?

  25. Cara Ellison says:

    Meeting several women who use ones that big would be amusing, I think. Sad, but amusing.

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